1/19/14
Ella,
It has been so long since I've written letters to you.  I am sorry.  I suppose there are so many reasons.  Tonight, as I tucked you in, I realize that a big one is that I am afraid to live in the moment.  Afraid to feel the full force of my emotions and the reality that this is the only 'now' that there is.  And you are so special.  So small.  So incredibly you that I can't bear it.  So I'm going to start writing to you every day.  Your sister, too.  You are too improtant to pass by.  Today you wrapped up a ball and pretend peach to give to Lucy.  You love giving gifts.  You love seeing people happy.  You are so full of life.  I am so sorry that I am so often irritated by your joy, your life, your energy.  I know I will miss it.  I know I will regret not embracing it.  So I start now.  I love you.  Your little person-ness.  Your gestures.  Your intonations.  The other day you went to see Frozen with Dad.  All afternoon you were quoting the preview ad telling everyone to turn their phones off, "Cuz WE WILL."  You crack me up and make me crazy all in the same moment.  You ran all the way to the park and back today.  You are insane.  I can't keep up with you and I try to pretend I mean to be behind. :)  I love you El.  No matter how our day went, I love you.  No matter how many spanks, tears, and frustrations, I love you.  More than I know how to bear.  More than I know how to show.
Love, Mom